Hiatus Apologatus

Guys! Sorry! I'm sure the whole 10 of you who read this blog are quite upset at my lack of recaps for about a month. Between a December rush at work and holiday business, I wasn't able to carve out time to watch, rewatch, and take copious notes on our Fanta-hued frieds.

Rather than do a 2 episode mega blog, I've decided to forgo recapping those episodes, and resume with tomorrow's episode. Basically, the main points of the past two episodes are as follows:

Episode one, Florida Fantasia: The ladies go to Florida, some bring their husbands, Vicki gets upset. Clowntits McGee's terrible husband acts like a jerk.

Episode two, Tamra falling, Vicki rising: Vicki whisks Don away on a romantic Turks and Caicos getaway, where they eat Conch dicks and renew their vows. Tamra's marriage crumbles into pieces and she cries. Clowntits and family attend a service at their bizarre Rock-n-Roll Christ-o-Rama of a church. Gretchen tries to have a heart to heart with Lynne's daughter Alexa, and it blows up in her face spectacularly. Lynne slurs.

So that's that, the past 2 episodes in a nutshell. Kinda makes the length of my typical blogs seem even more ridiculous, y/y?

Also, as of Sunday, I am going to start recapping Big Love I think, because I love the shit out of that program.



Seriously. LOVE. IT.

(Aside: I tried to do a recap of the new season of Bad Girls Club, but gave up when I reread it and it basically said "Natalie is mad at Flo. They fight. Portia is mad at Natalie. They fight. They all get drunk. They all fight. Kendra gets head in the confessional. She fights." Seriously, nothing happens on that show except for sex, booze, and fights!)

Anyway, see you Friday!

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: God hates girls only trips.

Is it just me, or was this week's journey into the bowels of hell actually kind of enjoyable? I mean, we got to see Lynne get sliced and diced, Gretchen actually making some salient points, and the further disintegration of Tamra's marraige. All in all, pretty good!

We begin as we did last week, with Vicki and her long-suffering daughter Brianna. However, this time, instead of trying to slip Brianna a roofie and getting her pregnant with some loser's seed, Vicki and daughter are out shopping for a ring for Don. The jeweler they go to is kind of awesome, if only because she called Vicki a bitch. Porky Patterson interviews that when they got married, she didn't have the money to buy Don somethin real nice, so she wants to make it up to him now. So, she buys him a gold ring with 3 princess cut diamonds in it. Which, like, is sweet and all, but seems kind of emasculating. Men's jewelry has always struck me as really bizarre because guys have to try and make an inherently feminine thing look all hard and edgy so they don't look gay by flashing off their princess cut diamonds. Anyway, weird. I like to think when Vicki gives Don the new ring, he'll go all Alexis on her and queen out about how awesome it is ("Vicki! This is sick! I love it! It's sick!").

Speaking of that terrible be-titted monster, next up is Alexis, who is busy taking her toddler-aged daughters for thier first mani-pedis. (Aside: I've just noticed one of these little monsters is named Melania, a name Theresa on RHONJ also named one of her daughters. I'm assuming both women named their daughters after Donald Trump's mail order bride, which, if true, is a great example to set for their children.) The kids throw complete tantrums because, you know, babies hate having their hands and toes prodded and painted by strange women. After a noble effort by the poor nail salon employees, Alexis scoops her kids up and tosses them into the back of her stupid car, where off camera she sobs quietly about the chamber of horrors that her life has turned into. Or at least, I imagine she does.

Moving on to Lynne, who is getting a new face bolted over her old one. She's brought over by her broken-souled husband, who is bankrolling this bizarre surgery even though they can't afford it and she doesn't need it. After signing her life away, Lynne is pumped full of drugs and gets real loopy. Loopier even than that one time where she ate a whole tray of weed brownies with her friend Scooter in the 70's and had tea with Jesus. Eventually she passes out, and the doctor proceeds to cut off her face.

While that happens, Lynne's husband returns with daughter Raquel, who also has an appointment to have her face filed down. Instead of a face lift though, Raquel will be getting a new nose. She interviews that a while ago she broke her nose, and it hasn't been the same since, which I call bullshit on. I'm so sick of people saying they are getting nose jobs because of some fake medical reason. No, you are not getting a nose job because of your deviated septum, you are getting one because you want a tiny button nose, Heidi Montag. Similarly, I doubt this dubious broken-nose claim.

Anyway, after the doctor pulls out a chisel and hammer and breaks Raquel's nose (literally, that's what he does), we head over to Vicki's house, where she is furiously typing up "work." Something about the way she does this makes me think that she's just fast typing to look busy. Like, seriously, if you looked at her screen it probably just says "sdjaklxaslkkfjc;kl;fajkln;/j" or something. She takes time out of her very important business work to speak with Tamra about the upcoming Florida trip Vicki is planning. Vicki says that she wants it to be a girls trip, but Tamra says she'll have to check with Simon first, because they don't really travel separately ever, which Vicki does not like one bit. Do I sense a dramatic plot arc? Yes!

Next, we head over to Saddleback Community College, where Gretchen and Slade are taking motorcycle driving class so Gretchen can get a license to drive that ridiculous motorbike Jeff bought her last season (you know, her happiest memory of him). I wasn't aware you could have a motorcycle registered in your name but not be legally able to drive it. Interesting.

Anyway, the two of them act like idiots during class and look really obnoxious. Gretchen says it's because she's a "class clown," but I think it's because that's how she gets dudes, by acting "goofy." She's totally the Cameron Diaz type who is like "Nah, I'm a total tomboy! See, I fart! Look at me in this bikini!" Whatever, they both pass, which means Gretchen can drive her big stupid Harley around and give old men boners.

Moving on! In order to better bond and get to know each other (read: get more camera time so they can get more money to subsidize their ridiculous lifestyles), OC husbands Simon (Tamra's), Jim (Alexis's), and Don (Vicki's) all go golfing together. They lazily thwack balls around the green and perform horribly, especially big fat pile Jim, who smokes cigar after cigar and almost crashes his golf cart.

After the end of their horrible game, the men head to the clubhouse for some brewskis and gnarly dude talk. They talk about the economy, and Jim says something trite about how it's made him realize how much shit he's got that he doesn't need. This prompts Simon to make an idiotic statement about how it's "slapped us back to the 50's" where things were simpler, which makes no sense. Nothing about their lives is simple or like the 50's at all, except for maybe their desire to own their wives.

Jim brings up the Florida trip which Don says they weren't invited to, since it's a "girls trip." This doesn't go over too well with Jim or Simon, who both say that they have a rule where they never travel without their spouses. Again, I call bullshit. You know that both of them travel without their wives all the time. I think it's more that they are terrible monsters who think their wives are their property and want to control every aspect of their lives. This, however, makes Don and Vicki's relationship look downright healthy. They both express shock at how "different" Don and Vicki's relationship is because he "lets Vicki travel without him." Ugh, terrible.

Next up, it's time for lunch with Gretchen and Alexis, who somehow managed to escape her cage. After an uncomfortable part where their waiter offers them "cougar cocktails," the ladies move on to talk about the Florida trip. Alexis says she has the "best marriage in the world," so why would she want to go on a trip without her husband. She chalks this up to them being very traditional and "godly," and believe in traditional principles and gender roles. She says she even trusts her husband to be naked on a boat with Gretchen, which seems so oddly specific that it makes me think Alexis has actually been naked on a boat at some point. Or she at least views this as a very sexy situation. Gretchen interviews that it's weird that Alexis puts on this whole godly act sincee she parades around with her gigantic boobs out all the time. Point, Gretchen!

Seriously though, there's something so infuriating about people who claim to be very Christian and moral, but then parade around dressed like pornstars and act like complete monsters. And OC seems to be full of them. Nuke them, I say!

After an intense segment in which Tamra and Simon argue about Ryan, and an even more intense segment involving Alexis getting botox, we head back to Dr. Facecutty's office to check in on Lynne. Our girl emerges from a room with her head all bandaged and babushka'd. The doctor unwraps the bandages, and everyone says how good Lynne looks and what a success the surgery was. Which, yes, it is a success, if the goal was to have her look like Katherine Helmond in Brazil. A few minutes later, Raquel shows up with her shnoz all bandaged up, and Lynne tells her how pretty she looks, though in her confessional Raquel basically looks the same as she always did. Lynne does look a little less freakish once her face has settled though.

Later, Tamra puts on her real estate agent shoes and shows a house. She keeps saying how much she misses the industry and how she loves it, and how they have no money, and the whole scene is just very sad.

That night, Vicki and Don have an awkward dinner date to get Vicki's love tank a-boilin. It is cute that they're making an effort, even if the conversation is stilted and they don't seem to have much in common. While at dinner, Don brings up the conversation at the golf course, specifically about how Simon said the Gunvalson's relationship is not normal. Miss Piggy is none too pleased by this or the fact that Simon and Jim will be joining them in Florida. She also mentions that she and Simon have been having a conflict lately. This trip should be interestiiiiiing.

In the final scene, Gretchen and Tamra meet to bury the hatchet before the upcoming trip. However, they fail miserably, because Tamra refuses to admit any wrongdoing and she tells Gretchen that they won't be friends until Gretchen takes down some blog post she wrote about Tamra. This woman is in her 40's. And getting upset over Facebook wall posts and blogs. Jesus Christ on a cross.

That's all she wrote this week! They did a lot of setting up for next week's Florida episode, so it should be a doozie. The preview promises a surprise Slade visit, a slurry Vicki giving Gretchen shit, and a confrontation between Vicks and Tams about Simon. Exciting!

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Wigs baby! Wigs!

And we're back! After Bravo subjected us to a week of no housewives, totally missing the opportunity for a Very Special OC Thanksgiving, the ladies have returned. This week, they deal with serious issues like creepy matchmaking, parent-child miscommunication, prison, and custom made necklaces to be dangled between one's clown tits. Learning!

The curtain rises on Vicki, who is concocting a very complicated scheme to fly out some piggish man-baby named Chris from Indiana in hopes of setting him up with Brianna, acting like some sort of orange-hued gentile Yente. The newly single Brianna (whom Colby left for a 17 year old! Escandalo!), is suprisingly ok with her mom setting her up on a weekend long date with a stranger she has never met.

While that elaborate courting ritual is going on, Gretchen flies out to Michigan to visit Jeff's kids, which is actually pretty touching. The kids seem to genuinely like her, which goes against all the "she's a gold digging prostitution whore" allegations that Tamra is belching out of her piehole. They all have a chat, and the son shows Gretchen the new photo-realistic tattoo of his father he got, placed squarely on his back. That kid had better not turn out to be gay. And if he does, he better be a top, if you know what I mean. Nothing worse than looking down during coitus and seeing some dude's dead father looking back at you. Shudder.

Back in OC, Vicki holds a BBQ to auction off Brianna's maidenhead. I mean, to welcome ChrisPig to the OC. A bunch of randos show up, along with Tamra and her brood. Later, her future-star-of-To-Catch-a-Predator son Ryan shows up to the BBQ. Apparently Tamra hasn't been seeing much of him lately because Simon has banned him from the house for driving Tamra's car without a license while they were in LA. Simon says all he wants is an apology. Over Facebook. Yeah. Facebook. Terrible.

Not that Ryan is that great either, mind you, as we see him later shotgunning beers in the pool with Vicki's impish son and some other random while his 4 year old sister aimlessly floats around nearby. While Simon stands like, 5 feet away, watching and saying nothing. Basically, I mean to say this family is horribly, HORRIBLY depressing. Next scene!

Mercifully, we move on to Alexis, who is stuck at the bottom of her pool, having been dragged there by the two sandbags bolted to her chest she tries to pass off as breasts. Just kidding, she and her creeper husband are going out to a nice dinner. Alexis interviews that she and her husband are "best friends," even though to me it seems like their relationship is more master and servant than friends, but whatever. She says that he has never changed a diaper or helped her with any of the home tasks, but she doesn't mind because "he's my king."

After I finish vomiting and unpause the DVR, the two proceed with their meal. Creeper husband lights a cigar and tucks into a gigantic pile of cocktail shrimp while belittling Alexis and asking her if she worked out today. He goes on to give her a big stupid diamond necklace to dangle in her cleavange and she fawns like a child. She interviews that she is living the fantasy life she dreamed about as a little girl. Really? You dreamed that you'd be starving yourself and maintaining a breakneck workout schedule so you could play house with some Larry the Cable Guy lookalike? Congrats.

Over at Lynne's new modernist Laguna Beach cube, she, her world-weary husband, and two demon spawn have a sit down to talk about their issues. Apparently, the two teens have been "lashing out," so Lynne has called in "Youthologist" Vanessa Van Petten to set the girls straight. Lynne assures the skeptical girls that Vanessa is "cool" and "with it," sounding like Amy Poehler's Cool Mom from Mean Girls.

It appears Vanessa wrote some stupid book about parenting like a child, which somehow makes her qualified to counsel families. She has a sit down with each of the girls as well as the parents, and in the end they come to a "breakthrough" that basically boils down to them needing to talk more and not be beer ho's. Did you feel the earth move? We also learn that Lynne used to do hash brownies, which I would have LOVED to have seen

After a sad scene where Gretchen visits Jeff's gravesite with his kids, we go back to Vicki, who is taking everyone out to dinner to bid farewell to Christopher McPigglesworth as he heads home to far-off Indiana. He politely interviews that he had a good time, and Brianna interviews that the whole thing was terribly awkward and she hated it and she'd never do it again. So that went well.

And now it's time for the final, and perhaps most bizarre segment in RHOC history. In order to blow off some steam and cut loose, Tamra decides to have a bunch of ladies over to play some "Wigged-out Housewife Bunko," in which a bunch of beef jerky people come over, inexplicably wearing wigs, to play some sort of elaborate thinly-veiled excuse to do tequila shots. They should have just played a game of King's, it would have been way faster. Blasts from the past Tammy and Meltybeast Quinn show up as well, which was fun.

Once the game is explained, the ladies proceed to throw dice and scream like monkeys until one of them rolls the right number, after which they take a shot. Alexis gets super competitive and weird, and Tammy gets really slurry and calls Tamra "a bitch, but a fun bitch. Ahluvver." Soon the game ends, and the ladies all presumably drunk-drive home, careening off into the OC night, running into mansions and manservants alike.

The next day, Tamra meets with Ryan at a Mexican restaurant because he's got something imporant to tell her. After some small talk about his foot (which he broke jumping off a tour bus while drunk), and after he orders a Patron shot and a Corona (stay classy!), Ryan tells his mom that he'll be going to jail. See, apparently he was supposed to do community service for his driving offense, but he decided to change it to jail time, since he is a lazy nogoodnik. He's totally all "Whatever, it's just prison. NBD." Tamra gives a painful interview about how much guilt she has, and how she would love to see Ryan succeed at something, and it's obvious that she's keenly aware of the horrible job she did raising him. Sad.

And with that downer of an ending, this week's chapter comes to a close. They seem to be really upping the crazy with his episode, so let's hope it sticks. Next week it appears Tamra and Gretchen have a no doubt heavily-edited smackdown. Could be fun?

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: In which the ladies send Jeana off on an iceberg to the great frigid beyond.

This week's RHOC was an especially challenging one, as we had to say goodbye to that great, puffy, pilly housewife who has captured all of our hearts. Yes, Jeana Keough said adieu to all the other vicious OC robo-skanks this week, and I think I speak for all of us when I say she will be sorely missed.

But! Before she headed off to the great whole-bottle wine glass in the sky, we had a whole, gigantic, eventful episode!

We begin with Gretchen and her depressing man-child beau Slade heading off to Scottsdale, Arizona (perhaps one of our nation's worst states) to attend some nebulous party that a "friend" was having. The two check in to a whimiscally titled hotel who's name I forget, though I think it had "Ho" in the title ("Don Ho Inn?" "You Are a Gigantic Ho Suites?" "Broke Down Nasty-ass Skank Ho Bed and Breakfast?" I forget). It was one of those hotels that used to be really gross and then some company bought it and rehabilitated it to make it seem throwbacky and "kitsch," but it still winds up looking just sleazy and gross. 50 years of urine and hooker blood can't be washed away with a fresh coat of paint, everyone.

Anyway! Gretch'n'Slade go down to the pool and have a heart to heart about how in love they are. Slade tells Gretchen that he wants to spend his life with her and he wants to have kids with her, adorably telling her that she makes him want to have his vasectomy reversed and get genetic testing to make sure they're "compatible in that way." Awwwwwwww. I wish someone would get ball surgery and test themselves to make sure our babies aren't genetic freaks for me! And they say romance is dead. Regardless, just looking at Slade's track record with fatherhood, I'd recommend Gretchen stay away from putting his seed anywhere near her eggs.

Back in the OC, Tamra pays a surprise visit to Jeana, explaining in an awful voiceover that she wants to see why Jeana is skipping out on the big La Perla lingerie party she's planning. The two have a few minutes of stilted conversation about Jeana's impending divorce before Jeana tells Tamra that she's just over all the housewives, and all her kids will be home, so she doesn't want to go. Also, I suspect it's because she'd rather not wear panties on camera, but that's just a guess.

Although it's hard to read emotion on Tamra's outrageously over-botoxed face, it appears that she isn't very happy about this. This is confirmed when she interviews that "Jeana is the type of girl who will fart in a room and then walk away and say 'who did that?'" This kind of makes sense, sorta? Maybe? It seems to me if Tamra is trying to seem classier this season, maybe she should start by not using fart metaphors. Just a thought.

Next, it's over to the home of newest addition Alexissss (I add the extra s's because she seems like she'd say her name that way when she's mad. Bitch.). Alexissss interviews that she's a stay at home mom, and since her husband doesn't want her to work, she just chooses to focus on being the best wife and mother she can be. Obviously, she has a lot of work to do, since she has several nannies on staff to take care of her kids, giving her some much needed time to frenziedly work out and pump gallons of saline into her clown tits. Seriously, those things are outrageously big. If you look up "clown tits" in the dictionary, hers will show up as an example.

Anyway, after our introduction to Alexissss Clown Tits, we get to meet her equally awful husband. He interviews that their family is very "traditional" in their values, saying that God comes first, the marriage comes second, and the kids come third. Aren't you supposed to say kids come before marriage? You know, precious gifts, innocent little souls yadda yadda yadda. I guess kids aren't part of the God-Clowntits-Creeper husband threeway. God these people are awful.

After that quick glimpse at what hell looks like, we head over to Vicki's Pig Plantation where she and Jeana have a chat about Jeana's skipping of the La Perla "party." The two both interview about how their friendship has completely deteriorated, and they both basically hate eachother. Jeana says she's tired of "mean girls," and is ready to move on. They go on to have superficial conversation and act like they're still friends, but it's obvious this isn't the case.

Also, did anyone else notice how every single one of these women has a ceramic chicken in their kitchen? Seriously, what's up with that? The only people I knew in high school who had ceramic chickens in their kitchen all had terrible pill-popping boozy moms. I feel like ceramic chickens in a kitchen are some sort of coded symbol for "I'm a horrible superficial bitch." Yes?

Off in the desolate Arizona wastelands, Gretch'n'Slade head off to their friend of friend's pink and white themed party at some bar called Barcelona in the middle of a strip mall. The party is one of those knockoff P. Diddy-style parties that one used to see all the time on shows like this before the whole world ended, but now seem kind of sad and irresponsible. The party also has some "burlesque" dancers that I suspect are actually run of the mill strippers wearing pasties and carrying feather fans. I was clued off when the burlesque ladies started doing a very classy, old-timey ping pong show. Gretchen gets way too drunk and starts working the pole with the strippers. The next day she is hungover, but doesn't seem too embarrassed, so good for her.

The next day, Alexissss Clown Tits and her husband, along with their nanny and kids, go over to Tamra's for a BBQ, Tamra and Simon's hatred for one another has reached a fever pitch, and now they are screaming at each other over basically everything. I would say watching a marriage dissolve in front of my eyes was depressing, but that would be a lie. Pass the popcorn!

Anyway, Alexissss Clown Tits (lets just call her ACT for short) squeezes her ridiculous bosoms into a tiny bikini, and Tamra interviews about how jealous she is of her body. She won't be jealous in 20 years when ACT's back is bowed like a proud Indian's weapon of choice. ACT flashes her gigantic ring to Tamra and her gay, who is also present, and Tamra asks the gay if he's jealous. Of course he is, because you OC terribles took away his right to marry. Assholes.

On to Lynne's house, where she and her family are packing up their rented home and moving on. Lynne says they're leaving because their lease was up and they decided it was a good time to downsize. However, according to the interwebs, Lynne and her family were evicted from their home because of failure to pay. Lynne's husband tells us that he made some poor real estate decisions, and got "creamed." Sad.

After a brief scene of Gretchen and ACT going to spin class, where nothing of note happens except that Gretchen says that stationary bikes hurt your cooter, we move on to the big La Perla partyyyyyyyyy. The store is in the middle of a mall, and seems a little cramped. Maybe it's just the way it photographs, because I know La Perla is expensive and fancy and all, but the store doesn't look very classy to me. Gretchen and Slade arrive first, and after being greeted by scantily clad models and ambiguously-accented store clerks, they head back to the dressing rooms to try on clothes. Lynne brings her daughter, which is a little depressing being as Alexa is only 16. ACT and her creeper husband arrive, but she refuses to actually try on the lingerie. Her husband interviews that it's because putting on panties in front of other men is "not our reality," which sounds like creepy Scientologist-speak to me. Seriously, this guy is really uncomfortably controlling of his wife. Tamra saliently mentions that Alexis didn't have a problem when she wore her tiny bikini for the cameras the other day. Good point. Anyway, point is I HATE THE NEW HOUSEWIFE.

While all that mess is going on, Jeana has her kids over for a BBQ, and it's actually kind of cute. Granted, all three are kind of horrible, but they seem to genuinely like one another, and compared to some of the other OC kids, they have pretty good heads on their shoulders. And Shane is still very gay looking.

Back at La Perla, Porky Romano arrives and upon meeting ACT, proclaims "welcome to my world!" So down to earth, that Vicki. She says she's late because she was "working," doing all kinds of business. She and Lisa Wu Hartwell need to chat, because they both clearly could learn a lot about being businesswomen from planet business from one another.

Another notable thing about the La Perla visit was the really bizarre tiny Asian saleswoman, who tried to sell Simon a thong. Loved her. Besides that, the ladies generally get along at the store, so nothing else too exciting happens.

We return to Jeana's house, where she thoughtfully cleans up her house, tossing bowls in random drawers and throwing trash in different cupboards. After a pregnant pause, Jeana switches off her kitchen lights, and we say goodbye.

For all her craziness and erratic behavior, I actually liked Jeana. She was the only housewife who I'd actually want to hang out with, and who seemed like a decent mother, and now she's gone. The remaining women, with the exception of maybe Gretchen, are all godawful, so I anticipate an even deeper descent into hell from this point on. Anyone else up for the challenge?

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Welcome to Thunderdome.

Thank god! The "first ladies of Bravo" have returned, and what a world it is they've returned to. Gone are the spend spend spend days of last season, replaced by a world where they are all within inches of losing their homes and paper currency has been replaced by a barter system of leather cuffs and tequila in fancy bottles. Today's recap will be a two-parter covering episodes 1 and 2. Sorry for the delay, I had to wait for the radioactive hell-dust to settle.

Episode One: In which one lady tells another to shut the fuck up.

We start with Vicki going on a skydiving trip with her kids, complaining all the way about how she doesn't want to do this, and how she just wants to go home and work. Isn't it funny how Vicki says the word "work" when other people would say "sleep" or "relax?" It's like her brain is programmed to replace a normal word indicating pleasure with something indicating business. "Don really worked the business out of me last night! I executive vice presidented three times!" To me it comes off as a desperate attempt to convince everyone how much of a businesswoman she is. Hellza annoying.

Anyway, Vicki jumps out of an aeroplane, releasing high pitched pig squeals all the way. Unfortunately, she survives, and when she hits the ground she complains that she was so scared she couldn't even get her signiature "woohoo" right. I pictured Bravo making her do it over and over again so they could get the right woohoo. Oh man, that would have been great.

After that, we move on to check in with Jeana as she warms her hands over a hobo trashcan fire in the middle of her granite and marble kitchen. You see, these recessionary times have been very hard on Ms. Keough, and she says her income is down by 2/3 since she made her living off the now-non-existant OC luxury home market. She interviews that things have gotten so bad she may have to sell her dream house. Sad.

While Jeana warms up a can of pork'n'beans over a burning pile of her old Playboy spreads, Tamra is busy having an obnoxious red carpet/Oscar-themed end-of-stupid-kid-play party at her house for her daughter. The little future horribles sashay up the carpet while Tamra and her OC gay interview them about what they're wearing, which I begrudgingly found to be cute. Simon gets irrationally irate at Tamra after he hears her gay say the word "teabag" because he says it's vulgar. Teabagging should be acted out in the dark while your wife is sedated and tied up, not said aloud in the broad daylight!

Seriously though, this guy is a total douche. And am I the only one who thinks theres something a little Patrick Batemany about him? Like, I could totally picture him one day choking Tamra and hacking her up with an axe or something. Total creeper.

Anyway, the two fight, and it becomes painfully clear that their marriage is crumbling around them.

After Simon finishes beating Tamra with his belt, we pop over to check in on Gretchen. Not much of note happens here, except we're officially told she's dating depressing man-child Slade (even though that's been old news for a while). Their relationship would be cuter if I didn't know that Slade owed $80,000 in child support to his ex-wife to care for his terminally ill son. Kind of a downer.

Speaking of terminally ill, Gretchen also hilariously mentions that her fondest memory of Jeff was that time when he bought her that motorcycle. Which, by the way, he wasn't present for. So basically, her best memory of Jeff was that time where he had a really expensive gift sent to her.

On to Lynne, who is meeting with a dubious "sales rep" to help get her "line" of cuffs into fancy stores. She says that she's been busy busy with her line of leather goods, and she already has them in several stores, like Fred Siegal, assumingly referring to that one cuff that the store patronizingly allowed her to sell there when the ladies visited last season. Lynne says she's so busy that she's "turning into Vicki," a comment that I'm sure made Vicki turn red and start shooting steam out her ears.

Speaking of our pig-faced friend, we head back to her place where she helps hubby Don clean the patio while wearing what appears to be an Ed Hardy tube dress. Their relationship seems to be on the mend after she brutally evicerated him on camera last season. Apparently she vowed never to hurt him again, and says he is once again filling her love tank (read: vagina).

After she finishes hosing down her love tank on the patio, Vicki heads off to have lunch with Tamra where the two proceed to be total see you next tuesdays and talk all kinds of mad ish about Gretchen. Tamra mentions some lascivious pictures of Tamra in bed with a corded vibrator (paging Alex McCord), which Vicki reacts to in disgust. Regardless, the two of them seem kind of obsessed with her. Maybe they wish they were free enough to embrace Gretchen's be-corded Don Juan on camera too. Totes jealous.

After a boring scene of Lynne and Tamra working out, we go back to Gretchen's, where she addresses what she calls her "Britney Spears shave her head moment." You see, she was so distraught after Jeff's death that she went nuts and got drunk and took a bunch of inappropriate pictures in compromising situations. She says that she was in a bad place, and that she still misses Jeff all the time, showing us her kind of creepy shrine she's created with a bunch of pictures of Jeff and his urn. Apparently she sits in front of it every day to center herself, making it seem like she's created some sort of Jeff-worshipping cult. She says she thanks Jeff every day for bringing Slade into her life. Weird weird weird.

Anyway, next it's time for the ladies to all convene and take a looksie at Lynne's cuff and bikini lines at the St. Regis hotel. They all arrive and make really awkward and tense small talk as they check out the hideous accessories. Things come to a head at dinner, when Gretchen and Tamra hash out the she-said-she-said drama from last season. Jeana tries to calm them down but fails, and starts stress eating instead. Honestly, I don't really remember what was said back and forth, but I find it really annoying when Tamra gets all pearl clutchy and tries to act like she's all classy. Classy ladies don't have bowling ball-sized breasts and sun-damaged cleavage. Just sayin'. Anyway, they yell back and forth until Gretchen literally tells Tamra to shut the fuck up.

Episode Two: When in Rome, act like an asshole.

The fight was bizarrely split up into two episodes, even though the next episode just shows Tamra getting up and leaving. Bravo needs to stop trying to turn every housewife fight that happens into a two part event. Not everything is a Teresa table flip, Andy Cohen!

Anyway, the party ends anti-climactically and everyone goes home. The next day, Gretchen holds a tanning party and only invites people who are her "real friends," i.e. Lynne, her family, and a bunch of other randoms. Gretchen rehashes the fight with her mom, who comes off seeming totally reasonable and normal and not completely country bumpkinish the way a lot of the other housewives parents seem.

Lynne shows up with horrible daughter Alexa in tow, who asks if she can have a beer while Lynne does her best to act shocked, even though at home I'm sure she's like "Sure munchkin. Or, if you'd prefer I can mix you up some jungle juice instead." Gretchen interviews that she thinks Lynne should get the girls drinking under control, which is the understatement of the century.

Gretchen heads over to the tanning booth to get sprayed up, and after she finishes Lynne disrobes and gets some touch-ups on her disturbing baked chicken flesh as well. She has gretchen cover her nipples with her hands. Not joking.

Meanwhile, partners in asshole Vicki and Tamra get lunch and talk about the night before. Vicki assures Tamra she did nothing wrong, which makes me think that Tamra was blacked out when the fight happens. Tamra says that although the last few months have been rough, at least she got a best friend in Vicki out of it. Congrats?

After some small talk, Tamra drops the bomb that she and Simon will be selling their house because both of them ain't got no monayz, which is so satisfying it's ridiculous. Apparently Simon's fancy tequila business isn't going too well, and they can no longer afford the mortgage on their overpriced monstrosity of a McMansion.

On the topic of selling houses, we move on to Jeana, who is desperately trying to sell a 12 million (!) dollar house so she won't have to sell her's. Good luck with that, sister.

Back at Miss Piggy's Pork Palace, Vicki and Brianna are preparing for their upcoming trip to Italy to celebrate Brianna's graduation from nursing school. I've always marveled at how such a normal, level-headed, and nice child came from such a terrible womb like Vicki's. Joining them on their trip will be Vicki's alcoholic mother from Chicago, a fact that neither of them seem particularly thrilled about.

Over at Gretchen's, she and Slade have a garage sale in order to make ends meet. Ok, for real, this shit is getting grotesque. What's next? Selling your hair for wigs? Organ harvesting? Oh the humanity!

While Gretchen sells all her earthly posessions so that she can buy cat food to eat, Lynne and her other horrible daughter Raquel (seriously? Alexa? Raquel? It's like Lynne was reading "How to name your daughter after a haughty 80's bitch" while she was pregnant) head to the plastic surgeon's office for a consultation. Lynne would like a face and neck lift, and Raquel would like a nose job. Lynne "compliments" her daughter by saying she looks like a Playboy bunny (shudder), but says if it'll make her feel better, she's all for it. After the doctor's office, she heads off to accept her award for "Worst Mother in the History of the Universe."

We don't have to focus on Lynne's dismal child rearing skills for long though, as it's off to Italia with la famiglia Gunvalson. The women are whisked away from the airport in their "private coach" (read: family van) to their quaint Roman hotel. Vicki complains about the size of their room, and her mother says she wants to go home. What a bucket of rainbows, that broad.

After they settle in, it's time for a private tour of the city lead by a hilarious tour guide who sounds like the recording you hear when you make phone reservations at Buca di Beppo (anyone? anyone?). Vicki and Brianna seem pretty into it, but Grandma isn't having any of it.

AT THE COLOSSEUM

VICKI: I think this is amazing!
GRANDMA: Well I don't. (storms off)

AT A MONASTERY

VICKI: (peers into spyhole) How amazing!
Grandma: (peers into spyhole) Stupid. (storms off)

Seriously, love her.

The ladies end their stay in Italy with a cringeworthy dinner full of miscommunication and confusion. On the way home, Vicki lets out an eardrum-bursting "WOOHOO" and tries to get Brianna to join in, but Brianna sharply counters "I will never do that!" Brianna FTW!

Back in the OC, we're introduced to new housewife Alexis as she and her husband go on a double date Tamra and Simon. Something about this new lady gives me the heebie jeebies. Maybs it's how she and her husband were all over eachother talking about how great their relationship is. It reminded me of that SNL sketch with Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan where they play the couple that keep dry humping eachother. Anyway, they talk about how in love they are and how they're a team, making oppressed and downtrodden Tamra green with envy.

The next day, Tamra and Simon meet with a realtor to discuss selling their house, which they apparently bought at the height of the market, so are selling it at a huge loss. Tamra puts on the waterworks and talks about how heartbreaking the situation, but I don't feel bad for at all because she is literally one of the worst people on the planet. Sars, Tamz.

And that's the first two eps! I don't know about you guys, but doesn't this season seem a little...joyless? Like, all the other housewives had recession problems too, but they weren't THIS bad. The whole thing seems a little perverse. Doesn't mean I won't watch though.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Sheree's chokehold on the fashion industry and NeNe's chokehold on Kim.

Time. It comes and goes as quickly as the daily wigs gracing Kim’s skull. It seems like only yesterday these ladies came back into our lives, and now they are leaving us again. Sigh…all is well that ends well. Except it didn’t end well. Not by a long shot.

Things in Atlanta are running at a frenzied pace as Sheree and Dwight make some last minute alterations to the She by Sheree “fashions.” Well, mainly Dwight micromanages and yells at people about seams needing to be pressed while Sheree looks aloof and mumbles into the phone to somebody about basketball tickets. For someone who claims this show is her baby, Sheree sure does seem to not give a shit about it. Maybe she’s just tired.

Over at the Wu-Hartwells, Lisa and Ed have some real talk about their finances. With Ed leaving football, he says that they’re going to have to downsize and move into one of their investment properties: specifically the house he lived in before they got married. Lisa seems a little nonplussed by this, but makes sure to mention over and over again that the smaller house is still a mansion. I see them totally pulling a Vicki and Don from OC and ditching that small house for their bigger one within a year.

While that’s going on, NeNe has some words with Gregg. See, Mr .Leakes is none too pleased that NeNe chose to meet her possible biological father Alan, a dude Gregg is pretty skeptical about. While I get that Gregg is worried about NeNe's feelings and that kind of stuff, I think he's being kind of unreasonable here. I mean, she just wants to meet her dad, it's not like she's promising to buy him a Bentley or anything. Yet... Ok, maybe he has a point.

Since apparently it's also Mother's Day in Atlanta, Kandi throws a big party with a bunch of people who are assumedly mothers or something. The party is very sweet, and Kandi's mom even takes AJ aside and makes amends, telling him that if Kandi's happy, then she's happy. The whole thing is very heartwarming, except that when you take into account the recent events with AJ's passing, it's actually kind of really sad.

Later, Kim has her gay stylist (who you'll remember from last season when he made that whore schoolgirl tube-top dress for her) over to gussy her up for Sheree's show. The two have wine in ridiculously long-stemmed glasses and talk about , who else, NeNe. Kim says NeNe is still pissed about not being a part of Tardy for the Party and won't let that shit go. The gay says something in his weird southern lilt about NeNe being jealous.

Next, Lisa and Ed go over to their potential new home to scope the place out. Ed has been using it as a storage facility so it doesn't look in tippy-top shape, but it still seems nice nonetheless. They keep talking about adding closets, new driveways, and a bunch of other gigantic renovations. Call me crazy, but doesn't doing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of renovations kind of defeat the purpose of downsizing your house to save money? Paging Suze Orman!

After a commercial break, it's time for a bizarre Rashomon-esque she-said-she-said involving Kim and NeNe. Apparently, off camera there was a big confrontation at Bow Wow's mom's boutique (which is always an awesome location for a knock-down-drag-out fight). Since we don't get to witness it first hand, we learn of the altercation from Kim relaying to Kandi and NeNe talking to Dwight (in his ridiculous evil puppet lair). According to Kim, NeNe ambushed her in the boutique and started screaming at her about the record. Then, allegedly, she put her hands around Kim's neck and started to choke her. Kandi sagely wonders in her interview what Kim did to warrant a choking. Love her.

On the flip side, NeNe says that Kim had her hands in her face and was screaming, and then Kim slapped NeNe's hands, and that's when she went NUTS! NeNe says that as a formerly abused woman, she'll never let anyone touch her again. She is a little ambiguous about what happened after that, which makes me think that she may have actually choked Kim after all, but we'll never know since they're both compulsive liars.

We're not allowed to dwell on that for too long, however, since finally, at long last, the event you've lost days of sleep over has arrived! The She. By. Sheree. Fashion. Show. We head over to the W, where things are approaching a fever pitch preparing for the big event. Well, mostly Dwight is just babbling about fashions and accessories like his usual puppet self, while Sheree worries about her hair. Seriously, she says she is going to leave the show the day of, three hours before show time, to get her hair did. Fortunately, Dwight convinces her this is a ridiculously stupid idea, and she stays.

Dwight makes some alterations on the dresses (since it turns out designs tailored for a muscular, possibly enlarged womanhood-sized body like Sheree's don't necessarily translate to model sizes), and works on the accessories. He goes big, since he says it's better to overkill than to underkill. I think this pretty much sums up Dwight's whole life philosophy in a nutshell. ALSO! Dwight says the show has to "shut it down." Do you think Bravo made him say this as some sort of RZP crossover? Does Rachel actually have a nationwide catchphrase? Amazing. Anyway, for all his bitchitude and assholiness, Dwight seems like he actually knows what he's doing, even if he is a horrible underminer.

While that tornado is going, a different sort of storm is brewing over at Kim's condo. Looks like NeNe is on her way over so the two can discuss the Showdown at Bow Wow's Mom's Corral, although I don't think anything good is going to come out of it, since both ladies attitudes are pretty much "fuck that bitch, she's crazy." But, they meet nonetheless, and basically resolve nothing. Kim maintains that NeNe choked her, and NeNe still says that it was Kim who laid her hands on her first, and Tajomaru still claims that he only fought and killed the samurai because the samurai's wife begged him to. Guess we'll never know the real story.

Anyway! Back at the W, it's time for the fashion show to start! All the who's who of Atlanta arrive one after the other looking very chic. Lisa shows up donning one of Kylie Minogue's tour castoffs, and the rest of the ladies look presentable enough, although Lisa definitely looks way more dressed up than anyone else at the show, and thus a little out of place.

NeNe is a total class act at the show, demanding an apology from Kandi (which is ridiculous since NeNe is clearly in the wrong on that one), and saying that she'd rather pluck out her toenails one by one than talk to Kim. So understated and refined, that one.

On to the show! The clothes all look good enough, though in my opinion kind of boring. However, Sheree puts forth a show that doesn't look terrible, and is actually wearable, so all in all I call it a success. Afterwards, everyone congratulates Sheree and says they want to wear her clothes. Kim particularly wants to wear the see-through silk shirt, and Sheree looks a little too excited at the prospect of seeing Kim's titties. Speaking of which, did anyone else notice Tania's absence at the show? Trouble in paradise perhaps?

So, that was that, end of season 2. Like the RZP, I'm a little disappointed by this season's offering. I mean, it made me like KIM for god's sake. Hopefully next season will be better. I'm excited for the reunion show, since apparently NeNe was none too pleased by how she was portrayed on the finale. Hopefully this translates to some sort of smackdown of Andy Cohen. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Anyway, this is me, signing off on season 2! Farewell ladies of the south, I hope we meet again soon. Stay tuned in two weeks, when we begin the new season of where it all began: the OC. From the previews, this season looks post-apocalyptically insane. Exciiiiiiiteeeeeed!

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: The Life and Times of NeNe Leakes.

This week on the RHOA we took a journey into the psyche of Ms. Lennethia “NeNe” Leakes. Where did she come from? Where is she going? From what tiny, humble spore did the magnificent mushroom we now know grow from? All questions were answered.

But first! We open on Sheree and Kim as they meet to plan Kandi’s engagement party at (GASP!) the very same restaurant where this season’s infamous wig-shifting took place. Both ladies muse at how far they’ve come, and what tremendous fences they’ve mended. The two share a glass of wine, and Kim teases Sheree for doing “that fancy shit” with her wine (i.e. swirling and sniffing it), which we know from earlier episodes Kim is decidedly against. She says it’s because she “knows what she wants,” and clearly what she wants is a bottle of chardonnay down her gullet pronto.

After the wine and dialogue, the ladies go on a tour of the venue to see if it’ll be right for the party. Both ladies particularly like the upstairs patio: Sheree for its views, Kim because she can “have a cigarette up here!” They’ll take it!

While that’s going on, NeNe makes the arduous trek out to far off Athens, Georgia with Uncle Mel and her biographer in tow to show them her roots. Is it just me or does the fact that her hometown is called “Athens” give this whole trip a Homer-esque quality? Anyway, she shows them her humble beginnings in sleepy Athens, pointing out modest homes and “all these damn trees!”

After a brief driving tour, NeNe takes everyone to her mother’s house, explaining that her mother was really young when she had her, so NeNe was effectively raised by her Aunt Nell while her mother split her time between New York and Georgia. Up until now they had made it seem like NeNe came from a working-class background, but when we arrive at her mother’s former home, that shit is a mansion! Columns, brick, “fly doorbell,” the works. Who knew?

Back in the ATL, the first batch of pieces from the She by Sheree line have arrived, so Sheree has her friend who dines at the Y, Tania, over to check them out. Overall, they look great, and Tania remarks at how proud she is of her lov-ahem- her friend. Sheree tries on all the outfits, which have been designed according to her size since she views herself as perfectly proportioned. Sheree sashays and chantés around in the outfits while Tania platonically tells her how hot she is and admires her tiny waist.

Tania becomes incredulous after Sheree mentions she is having Dwight plan her show even though she’s never seen any of his work first hand. Tania demands that she call him and put him on speakerphone, which Sheree does. Dwight answers all “What?!” and is a huge, barely-lucid bitch. Such a grumpy puppet! The two have an awkward, unfriendly conversation that leaves Sheree with reservations about her decision to work with him. (Side note, whenever I type “Sheree,” my spell check always marks it as incorrect, and suggests “Sheeree” instead. What the fuck is a “sheeree?” Someone who’s just been shorn? Just thought I’d share. Or rather, just thought I’d sheeree.)

While that mess is going on, Kandi and AJ are heading to a dubious “Christian counselor” to meet with Kandi’s mother and hash out their issues. Kandi’s mom describes AJ as a truck that is on course to hit Kandi and destroy her, among other glowing analogies. So, obviously the conversation goes nowhere, and they leave feeling the same way they did coming in. Though, it is brought up that Kandi doesn’t want a pre-nup, which strikes me as a little risky, but whatever.

Later, Kim has be-heeled Tasmanian devil-bodied wigonista (and Dlisted Hot Slut of the Week) Derek J over to make her pretty for the engagement party. He surprises her by by bringing the prototype wig from her wig line with him and says he wants her to put it on. Outrageously, after cruelly teasing us with the promise of a wigless Kim on-screen, Bravo lets us down by panning to the floor as the creature is removed. We return to see her mannequin face nestled under a brand new wig, which admittedly looks much better and more real than her old mop.

Kim says that she likes to go through THIRTY WIGS A MONTH! One per day! Derek urges her to scale back, and maybe change her wigs once every couple weeks or so. Wig expert I am not, but even that seems mighty excessive. Anyway, Kim likes her new look, and literally screams into the mirror “GOD I LOOK SO GOOD! DAMN IT!!!!” like she is legitimately angered by her beauty. (Also, has anyone else noticed the nude portrait Kim has of herself in her bedroom? It looks like she is leaning over a motorcycle too. Stay classy!)

After Wigmania 1983, everyone heads to Kandi’s surprise party, which winds up being really sweet and fun. That is, until someone suggests to Kandi’s mom that she should do a toast, at which point things become really awkward and uncomfortable. Everybody squirms for a few minutes until she finally musters up a half-assed toast where she basically says “well, let’s wait and see.” This woman needs to simmer down.

Back in Athens (which in real time probably took place before the party), NeNe and her crew head over to her Aunt Nell’s house to show everyone where she was raised. Aunt Nell is supremely bizarre, with a nearly unintelligible falsetto voice and dark, drawn-in eyebrows. Now we know where NeNe gets her weird from. We’re shown kind of adorable pictures of NeNe when she was a child, as well as some of her looking very Toni Braxton-y in the mid 90’s. Such a chameleon, that one.

Next, Sheree has Dwight over to take a look at the sample pieces. He is predictably an asshole, sucking his teeth and saying “mmhmm” while critiquing all the items unnecessarily as if he has actual fashion training. He says Sheree has “no clue” what she’s doing in regard to style, but being as this is coming from someone who looks like Madame in a zoot suit, I’d take this with a grain of salt.

Across the Aegean in Athens, the crew leave Aunt Nell’s house and begin to head home, but as they’re leaving Uncle Mel gets a call from Alan, the mysterious man claiming he is NeNe’s father. He says he wants to meet, but doesn’t want them to come inside, and he doesn’t have much time. What a dick! “Hey, come over, but uh, yeah, stay outside, and I uh, got about 10 minutes.” Anyway, NeNe has a bit of a freakout but finally agrees. When she sees him, she audibly gasps because, in her words, he “looks a mess.” The dude seems kind of shady and not too friendly, but he says he’d like to meet with NeNe again one-on-one, when Uncle Mel (and presumably a Bravo film crew), aren’t around. NeNe looks a little disappointed as she says she’s willing to bet money that Alan is her father. Dramatic!

And so the stage is set for next week’s season finale, where it appears NeNe has a meltdown of Greek proportions. She fights with Gregg over meeting Alan, fights with Kandi at Sheree’s fashion show, and apparently chokes Kim for a yet-to-be-determined reason (YEEEEEEEEEEEEES!). So, basically, y’all should be excited.